Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Skunks, Drunks and Punks

This summer was quite interesting for me, mainly because I worked a job that I thought I never would work: Park Security. It was certainly a job that required patience, nerves of steel and a flashlight, and luckily enough for the park I had one of the three. It is actually amazing how much a blinding Maglite can do for ones reputation; one look at the beauty and people are whispering to each other "Whoa man, that is a serious flashlight! This guy must mean business, quick, let's shut our traps and go to sleep before he tests that thing out on our heads."
I know what you are thinking at the moment; it is something along the lines of "OK, I get it, you had a cool flashlight. Now cut to the chase and give the meat and potatoes: did you or did you not have to fight people? Give me the story man!" Normally I would draw this out with a ton of boring nonsense just to fill in space, but I will have pity on those reading today, mainly because my inconsistence in the blogging world is something that should be looked down upon. But because of my plethora of possible stories to tell, I shall be hard pressed to come up with just one. However, I luckily have one that I just thought of, so I shall grace you all with its action packed-ness!
One thing about the park is that it is a magnet for idiots. I thought that my brother was just over-reacting when he would come home and whine about the morons that would come up and expect the poor souls who worked there to be their personal slaves. I don't know how it was during the day, but for the night shifts the definite majority of these fools went to the beach where they would be thinking that they could get away with anything. Oh no, not while Jeremy "The Muscle" Loseth was on shift! Why, I would creep up on these people and leap from the shadows to chase them away! Don't believe me? Let me elaborate...
One night at about midnight I thought i should make a walk down to the beach to make sure that no hooligans were partying there. I proceeded to drive the park truck down to the parking lot and go for my round, which is no more than taking a walk down to the beach and then walking back to the truck. Anyways, I strolled down the path leisurely as I didn't want to step on a skunk (which is a frequent hazard at the park), coming to a stop on the little hill that overlooks the lake. However, everything was not as peaceful as it seemed, as I spotted limes and alcoholic beverage bottles! Now the park enforces a strict no drinking on the beach rule, and I always seemed to get on at the time when people would go and do such evil in public. (Disclaimer: I have nothing against drinking in moderation, but when there are rules and you blatantly go against such things...tisk tisk). Anyways, normally I would have shrugged it off and come to the conclusion that it was from earlier on and the hoodlums were long since gone, but I started to piece things together. For one, the bottles were half full yet, and the limes were still fresh and unsqueezed. There were also styrofoam cups that were unused, and the smell of fear was in the air. This, pieced together with the fact that the bottles weren't on that table an hour ago caused my suspicion meter to go into the red zone.
Like the spider monkey I am, I was quick to act. I walked up to the beach wall, and, while standing on the edge of the concrete blocks, then shone my flashlight out on the lake to see if I could see bodies in the water. However, while I was doing this, I heard some stifled giggling underneath my feet. Frozen with a bit of fear, I slowly lowered the beam of my flashlight down so it was directly underneath me, and what do you think I saw? Two young ladies, each clutching a Corona Breezer in their hands, squinting into the fierce glow of my LED. Stunned that they were under my nose all along, I struggled to find words before spitting them out. The conversation was as follows:
"What are you two doing?"
"Nothing" *giggling drunkenly*
"Do you guys know that you can't be drinking on the beach?"
"Do you know that you aren't supposed to be on the beach after dark?"
"OK, well you should leave now..."
"OK, we'll clean up the bottles"
"Darn right you will!"
I left the two teens to clean up and by the time I got up to my truck, they were climbing the stairs behind me. Thinking that the trouble was done with, I decided to go back to the kiosk and stare into the blackness of the night from a secure place. Only a couple minutes after staring into boredom, a vehicle pulled up. Now this is no ordinary vehicle, this is a blue mustang with a white stripe down the middle of it. There were two teenage guys in the car, and they looked like they were up to no good. However, they gave us the name of a cabin owner, so we really had no choice but to let them into the park. However, my sleuth-like instincts came into play yet again, and I pondered to myself "There were two guys...there were two girls...interesting". I decided to go out on a limb and decided that these punks were going to get drunk with the girls from the beach and cause mayhem throughout the park! On my watch! I straightened my back and clenched my flashlight in my iron-like grasp, and decided that I would crash this party. I slowly drove down to the boat docks, turned off the beastly truck and then took off like a shadow in a dungeon. Using all of my cunning and hunting skills, along with the military skills I picked up from the T.V. I managed to locate the rebels: they were sitting around the parking lot at the beach! Rotters! I decided I had one choice: Sneak up on them and freak the pants off of them.
Slowly I started the stalk, literally crawling at times to use the cover of night to my advantage. No twig dared snap underneath my foot, knowing full well that my wrath would descend upon it. Luckily for me it had rained not long before, allowing the ground to be soft enough to cushion my steps. Once I got in a straight path from them, I skulked among the pines by the path to get close to them and hear what they were saying. How, this is called reconnaissance, not creeping, so I have the right to do so. Once I figured out that they didn't have guns or knives to shank me, I stepped from the darkness and clicked the Maglite on. I have never seen more frightened faces in my entire life! A beer bottle feel from one of the blokes hand's and clattered harmlessly into the flower bed below them, spilling out the remainder of its contents. Calm and collected on the outside, I sneered at them before posing the conversation starter.
"So, having fun out here?"
", ya."
"You two, didn't I tell you drinking at the beach isn't allowed?"
"Well, I warned you once, and I have had enough of your nonsense. I want your greasy faces out of my park pronto! Now move it on the double or I'll break out Mother Justice and Father Discipline!"
*scrambling ensues as the struggle to clean up after themselves* "Yes sir, anything you say sir, I'll polish your shoes sir."
With a look of utter disgust, I snarled and told them I was wearing Chuck Taylors and they didn't need polishing. Ha, fools, I showed them. Confidently swaggering on the outside and positively shaking on the inside, I started back to get to my truck, but I hadn't got twenty feet before a snobbish voice muttered "You know, you'd still have your job if you let us stay."
Doing my best to hide my nervous reply, I shot her a icy glare with my flint-like eyes before replying.
"My conscience would bother me too much if I let drunks run around wherever and whenever. Now get going!"
Walking promptly away, I briskly walked back to my truck, started it up and drove up to a campsite that was nearby to make sure the rogues were going to leave. Once they did, I followed them out and made sure they never got back in, which I don't think they did. Ah yes, the glories of being a security guard!

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Now, that's a story I can relate to Officer Loseth! I live just a hop, skip, and a holler north of you at another regional park. We had our fair share of idiots here this summer too.