Thursday, April 12, 2007

Face Down

If you don't get the title for this blog, I suppose I will have to forgive you. The title "Face Down" is by a band called The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus, and it has a very powerful message. The song is about a woman who is being abused by her husband. Now if you can put two and two together (wow, say that 5 times real fast) you will get what this blog is about. That is right my wee grasshopper, it is about abuse. My personal abuse by.....women.
Ok, so if you are a guy reading this you are probably scoffing at me and telling me I must be really weak or something to let a girl, or girls, beat me up. If you are a girl reading this you must be thinking that I deserved it. Nonsense to both accounts, I didn't deserve it and I am in fact not weak, I just never like to show off the hidden strength. I shall now tell you the horrid tales of the abuse I have put up with.
I can remember vividly when the abuse started. My brother Derek and sister Rachel love to tease me and beat me up. OK, so that's perfectly normal family behaviour, right? WRONG! I must have been a threat to them or something because it was always both of them at once instead of one at a time. They would descend on me like wraiths in the night, silent and deadly. I know what your thinking, "Man this dude overreacts alot, he just wants to get his story more interesting". Not at all my dear reader, not at all. They actually had "Pick-on-Jeremy-days" once a week, where they would spend all day harassing me. This didn't mean that they didn't annoy me the other 6 days a week, it was just worse on that one day. Rachel actually jumped on my head one day and made me cry. Ya, it hurt.
After Rachel was gone, the beatings stopped. This is probably because Derek knew he was powerless by himself, and he quickly slinked his way back into the shadows of his room. Now then, I had a friend named Kelcie (yes, the same person who ran from the bear) who took up the beatings. It wasn't too bad, at least not compared to the beatings that Rachel gave me. She would punch me at work and such things, but at least she didn't jump on my head. I quickly ended her rein of terror by jabbing her shoulder with my pointed fingers, and after nearly paralyzing her arm a truce was announced and it has been in place ever since. I was in good shape and heading into the final stretch for high school, so the outlook was good. I was unstoppable, or was I......?
I have a couple of friends, Linsay and Anna, who learnt their evil ways from another of my cousins, Kealie. Kealie is the one who roars like a man, but she is very attractive and nice when you get past the right jab. This is a hint to all you guys who want a fiery, I'm-in-charge kinda person. Anywho, she had a major influence on these other two innocent ladies who were very nice. All of a sudden I was being beaten on by these three girls, although they didn't have the strength of Rachel. When the ringleader (Kealie) left for Bible School, I thought it would all end. Wow, don't know how I figured that.
The most humiliating beating was at a youth retreat in Millar, where Kealie attended Bible School. I was sitting on a couch in the lounge, with Anna sitting on my left, and Linsay to the left of her. I had been fencing earlier that day with a real sword, and had got stabbed below the belt. So here I am hurting and thinking that these two angels of mercy have come to comfort me. I believe it started out that way, but about 5 minutes into the conversation they struck! I muttered something intelligent like "stupid feelings", referring to the emotional distress I had just been thru by being stabbed (by a girl nonetheless). Well, being the conclusion-jumpers they are, they thought I had said "stupid females". No way this is possible of course, why would I say such a daft thing in front of them? Well, Anna gasped in horror and swung a left hook in my direction. Of course I had no clue that this was coming, and I was very quickly doubled over.
I wish I could tell you that this was the end, but far from it my friend. While I was trying to gulp in life preserving air, they both leapt on me! I am defenceless for 3 reasons:
1) I can't hit girls, it's against my beliefs (plus there are about 50 other people in the room).
2) I'm hurt
3) They have just body slammed me into the ground, and having 2 people on you limits your movements.
The beating lasted about about a half minute, but the emotional pain was much longer. By the time I had gotten up, they didn't even want to talk to me. When the finally listened to my explanation, they had too much pride in what they did and said a pretty sad "I'm sorry". They had tasted the blood, and once they get the scent of blood they keep coming back for more, just like a shark. I have been beaten many times since then, and 99% of those times I have been totally innocent. You want another example of my innocence because my story doesn't make you believe? Alright then, here is another example.
Mont Nebo, winter 2006. We are playing a came of some sorts, where you have to go and grab a milk carton from the opposite base and bring it back without being caught. I had just stolen a carton from the enemy base and was running back around the youth can when it happened. I can remember everything in slow motion, the crunch of the snow underfoot with light snowflakes coming down slowly. I turn the corner around the front of the van, my safety zone a mere 20 feet away. I then see two shapes, like doomsday riders without horses. I see one of the shapes, more likely Linsay because Anna is really small, go into a bodychecking position, shoulder up and feet lifting off the feet. I tried to backpedal but it was too late, and I got nailed.
Now this was no ordinary hit, this was a Mike Komisarek/Dion Phanuef hit. If you haven't seen any of these hockey players hit, you are really missing something. This hit nearly knocked me out, and as I was falling to the ground and my eyesight dimming, I saw my carton flying gracefully in a high arc over my head. The next thing I remember is high pitched laughter and a wicked headache. I completed the game, though I wasn't the same afterwards.
Well, these incidents have definitely been the most painful and memorable, not to mention the most humiliating. However, I have to forgive the fairer gender for this, as we males have pushed around the women for a long time. This is payback for all the years that guys have made fun of ladies, calling them cootie-heads and icky-faces.
Now that I have told you all of my experiences concerning womanly abuse, I'd like to hear yours. This is a heavy hint for you to leave a comment, so do it!


Anonymous said...

well well well if its not the defenceless bum. well i know u are too scared to stand up to anyone ,well u will when others are watching. but i guess im not the one to talk but i am at the moment.

kelcie said...

jeremy jeremy jeremy..... yeah i guess you had to take a lot of abuse over the years. remember that time at school (i can't remember what all happened) i just remember hitting you on the back and i got in alot of trouble from the teacher because she though you were a weak little boy who couldn't stand up for yourself! lol oh the good old days....

Anonymous said...

First of all, dear cousin, I do not roar like a man - I am a very dainty little lady (lol) - anyways I always have a reason for abusing you - I am way too sweet and innocent to simply randomly hit people (lol) - just think all of that abuse has helped to toughen you up!!!

Anonymous said...

Jeremy, Jeremy good sweet Jeremy, I must say, I could not breath while reading this, becuase I was laughing so hard. But just think, we will do it again when we come to Nipawin to see you =) it will be fun!! haha.