Right, since I was remembering older days that have gone by today, I decided to write a short (OK, I have no blinkin' idea on how long it will be) story about a great battle fought in our house once. Yes, this was the infamous Marshmallow War of 03. Oh yes, this was no walk in the park or anything, this was real war. And war hurts. But here goes my story...
Well, it all started when my cousins Casey and Larsson shot me and my bro with these odd, white tubes. And the queer (as in weird, not gay) thing is that they were filled with mini marshmallows! These guns shot these tasty air-filled projectiles at an alarming rate. I mean, if you tried to catch one of those babies in your mouth, you'd choke (which happened to a friend once, more details to follow). Me and my bro were so...so...jealous that we begged our old man (for the older people, that means our dad) to make us some. So off he went to whip us up some clever guns, and since he loves making fake guns, he created them flawlessly. Well, when he came and gave us the guns later on, I was stunned. A copper pipe barrel about 15 inches in length, with a copper stock and handle. It had a plastic tube where you inserted the marshmallow, and this went to your mouth. You blew on it much like a tuba or some sorta instrument, and this marshmallow became lethal. Not that it wasn't lethal before, you could choke on them things you know.
Well, me and Derek, my bro, immediately bought bags of marshmallows and pelted each other with the squishy white munchies. Well, we fought each other, and our first team effort was a ambush on my older sister, Rachel, who was talking on the phone. We took her hostage in the main room, and kept her there for quite some time. She sat there for a while, trying to wait us out. Well, it actually worked. I all of a sudden realized I had to pee, so when I went to the bathroom, hope faded. My other older sister, the oldest, jumped Derek! I heard screaming and was in such a hurry to assist my brother-in-arms (literally), that i didn't even was my hands! I know, the brutal savagery of war is inhumane and unethical at the best of times, but sacrifices must be made! Family honor, OK, well, the manliness of or family was on the line. This is worth defending with my life. Anywho, I quickly jumped out of the bathroom and then it happened.
I ran about 10 feet into the battle zone, and saw my brother being tackled and wrestled down by Rachel. Then Melanie, the oldest sister, flying tackled me! No lies even, she gave a manly roar that is second only to my good cousin Kealie (another story maybe, don't get her wrong, pretty and petite little girl) and sacked me! Good thing the couch was there, bless its leathery cushions. I screamed like...well...a little girl who just saw Johnny eating a worm (that's a figure of speech), and tried to get away. She actually used her height...yes, all 5 foot 2 inches of it...to beat me up and bend the solid copper barrel of my gun! One tough girl, like a wolverine on meth I reckon' (not a pretty sight at all). Beaten and bruised, Derek and myself made a hasty retreat while the girls shared a bowl of ice cream or something to gloat over us guys. This remains the Climax of my defeats at home.
Yes, the Great Marshmallow Wars seem primitive now, much like the civil war is to World War 2. Here we had to load these guns by hand, while the new airsoft guns pack more power and are faster loading. Yes, here is a short list of notable mentions in these wars:
1) When Dustin was laughing after getting me with a 'mallow, so I loaded up and I blew as hard as I could. I saw the my 'mallow go quickly into that cursed cavern he calls his mouth, that thing that leads to his phenomenal place doctors call "the bottomless pit". Well, the 'mallow flew straight and true and nearly choked the poor dude.
2) I noticed that old slobbery 'mallows are inaccurate, so I gathered them up, dried them out (we were poor and can't buy new ones every time) and reused them. Dried properly they became rock-hard and shot well. However, this only worked for Kraft Jumbo Marshmallows because they shrunk when they dried. Other brands became too small and fell out of the barrel.
Well, my show is on, so signing off is...me!